Throughout February, my NLP journey has been grappling with structure. Why structure? When I first met with Sue Knight, she defined NLP as “the structure of subjective experience.” This suggests that a) we have experiences, b) our experiences are subjective and c) there is a structure to our experience. Sounds simple, but when I started to think about ‘what does that mean in practice?’ I discovered that structure is quite a fundamental topic and it is interwoven into many areas of life, not just NLP. Sue had quizzed me on structure a couple of times and mostly I got the answer wrong. “No, that’s content, not structure.” Being confused about something is a good starting point for me to learn. In a Train the Trainer session, Sue said ‘let the structure take the strain.” Structure became a bit of a thought-worm that piqued my curiosity.
Sue invited me to attend a keynote session that she was delivering for the Global NLP Summit on 21st January 2024. I jumped at another opportunity to observe Sue at work. She’d named her session ‘Give Peace A Chance.” It was a thought-provoking session. We were invited to consider that peace in the world begins with us. Not an easy invitation. Much easier to point our fingers at conflict on the other side of the world. Her provocation – always provocation with Sue, was to reflect on our behaviour when we conflict with others and to recognise that our own patterns are often mirrored in global conflict.
After the session, Sue sent a text, asking me what I had noticed about her structure. What structure had I experienced in her session? Honestly? I had no idea. When I thought about it, a few things came to mind. She encouraged the audience to participate. She asked questions. She referred to a model. I sent her my observations. ‘Yes, I did do that. And there was more.’ Sue revealed three additional parts of her structure. These were subtle yet powerful. She wanted to build incrementally our learning about change coming from within. She guided us to draw on our experience and the NLP Beliefs of Excellence, discover learning for ourselves and experience something valuable for ourselves. When I reflected on this, the standout was Sue’s belief in ‘discovery learning’ and creating a learning environment where learners can discover things about themselves. It’s a belief I share but haven’t always lived up to. Note to self, beliefs are part of our structure of subjective experience.
Discovery Learning
I mentioned to Sue that I was designing a leadership programme for a client. “What are your outcomes?” I replied that I wanted it to be a good use of their time. Big Mistake! ‘I should bloody well hope so!” she replied. And ‘how about delivering some mind-blowing learning!’ I laughed at the provocation. We chatted about some of the content I was creating, and I said that I was ‘designing some good questions’ for leaders to work on. Another challenge came my way. ‘Do you often design poor questions?’ This may seem flippant, but it wasn’t. Thoughtful, well-timed questions are powerful. They open doors within and enable us to find personal and meaningful solutions to problems. Asking questions for asking questions’ sake can be unproductive and annoying. I’ve done it and I’ve experienced it. I could do better. I refined all my questions.
Direct Feedback
I realise that Sue’s questions and her direct feedback are part of the structure of my apprenticeship. Both inspire me to do better. Her questions help me to see small ways in which I am unwittingly impoverishing my thinking. I want to have an abundance mindset, rich with creative ideas. I am grateful for this insight. If I restrict my thoughts when designing programmes that I care deeply about, where else in my life might I be doing this? I went back to the drawing board, finding ways to improve the programme. I thought about ways to make subjects more engaging and relevant to the client’s world, researched world experts’ research, created compelling content and designed ways for the leaders to build connections with how they were leading and identify things that they could take from the programme and work with their teams with more confidence and skill.
Staying with Structure
Sue encouraged me to ask Gene Early who had also presented at the Global NLP Summit to share his definition of structure with me. Gene sent me this definition:
“Structure is the configuration of elements/components in relationship with one another that gives “shape/expression” to the system/whole. When you change one element(s) and/or relationship(s), you transform the system/experience. E.g. when you change a core belief such as an identity belief, you change the structure of subjective experience, which then changes the expression of that structure, and as a consequence, the experience of you as the actor as well as the experience of the receiver(s) of your communication.”
Jesus. I felt baffled. I read it a few times to decipher it. I liked the part about ‘components being in relationship with one another.’ I mapped out all the components of another programme that I was designing and considered the relationship between leadership topics. I thought about my writing. My friend Lorna, an Editor, was reviewing a chapter of my book. She asked me about the overall structure of my book. I wasn’t quite clear about it. She also said that my writing would flow better if there were smoother connections and between paragraphs and between chapters. Gene’s definition resonated with this.
I shared my struggles with structure with Sue. ‘What’s the structure of my book NLP at Work? She asked. I looked up the contents page and identified a three-part structure. Sue being Sue, asked a further question. “And what is the structure of each chapter?” Ah! I’d answered the question with a ‘large chunk.’ Sue was looking for ‘smaller chunks’ and richer detail. I reviewed a couple of chapters of ‘NLP at Work’, paying attention to subject headings, how paragraphs had been written and detecting details that I initially overlooked. After mapping the structure of Sue’s book, the structure of my book felt much clearer. Sue did not tell me how to structure a chapter, she invited me to discover this for myself.
The revelation about ‘small chunks’ was reinforced in a chat with my friend Hilary who LOVES structure! Thinking she’d be a good person to learn from, I asked her to tell me about structure in her life. Hilary worked in an Operating Theatre for ten years. She loves a detailed SOP (Standard Operating Procedure). For Hilary, structure is essential for flexibility. “If everything is in place, you have more freedom to react if things go wrong.” And in the operating theatre, this can make the difference between life and death. Her current role is as a Complementary Therapist in a Hospice. “When I ensure that all the structure has been taken care of, I have more freedom to concentrate on my clients.” I loved Hilary’s interconnectedness of structure and freedom.
Structure and The Meta-Model
One of the first books that the founders of NLP, Richard Bandler and John Grinder wrote was called The Structure of Magic“. I bought the book in 2005 but confess that I had only skimmed it. During February I read it. Bandler and Grinder researched successful therapists who they called wizards. Wizard Therapists enabled their clients to achieve real and lasting change. Amongst the wizards were Virginia Satir and Milton Erikson, both highly respected in their fields. Bandler and Grinder identified ways in which people unintentionally limit the choices available to them. And they coded the ways that certain therapists (the good ones) challenged their clients. Bandler and Grinder identified that great therapists get beneath the surface structure of what someone tells them and work at a deeper level of structure. The NLP Meta Model was born out of this observation. The meta-model identifies ways that we constrain what’s possible for us and limit our choices and freedom. We delete, we distort, and we generalise our experiences, often in unhelpful ways. A good therapist or coach helps us uncover information that enriches our options, increasing the choices that are available to us.
Reflection
My exploration this month has been about structure. It’s been an awakening, realising how much the concept of structure underpins many areas of life and work. I’ve learnt how paying attention to structure leads some people to higher levels of excellence. I am grateful for this awareness. I can reflect on my own thinking and recognise what’s happening at different levels – the surface level and a deeper level. What am I deleting, distorting, generalising? What am I creating? I continue to be open to feedback on areas where I may be unwittingly limiting my choices. I want to live, work and write with passion, determination, fearlessness, creativity and energy.
On a final note, Sue shared this poem, written by Kiana Azizian, an American contemporary poet on our Whatsapp group:
if I could tell you
three things,
they would be to
remain wild,
be kind,
but mostly,
love with everything
you have.
Every time,
Always,
And forever.
A poem structured in three parts! It touched me, particularly the line about ‘Loving with everything you have.’ And then those two little words ‘remain wild’. I’ve tempered some of my wildness. Reined it in. Perhaps working in a professional services environment for so long has tamed some of my wildness. I thought of other Poets who have inspired me. The late John O’Donoghue’s magical poem ‘For a New Beginning’ where he writes about ‘the seduction of safety’ and ‘grey promises that sameness whispered.’ Wildness will not be found in sameness. The Poet Mary Oliver also wrote about wildness in her now famous question:
‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
I think this meets Sue’s standard of a ‘transformational question’ and I love the word WILD. I’ll be weaving wildness into my March blog.
Monica Smith
29 February 2024
References
NLP at Work, NLP, The Difference that Makes the Difference, Sue Knight, 4th Edition, 2020
The Structure of Magic I: A Book About Language and Therapy v. 1 (Structure of Magic): A Book About Language and Therapy Paperback – 1 Nov. 1989
