We give in many ways. We give our money, gifts, time and attention. We give our hearts to people we love and our loyalty to our friends. Giving is a way of satisfying our own need to help, to think, to fix, to achieve, and it is, without doubt, a virtuous quality; but if giving becomes over-giving, then it becomes harmful. Reflecting on where the propensity to give comes from can help. This article explores the psychological drives that compel us to give and over-give. and helps givers become more conscious of the balance of give and take in their lives.
“I would give everything I own…Give up my life, my heart, my home…”
Boy George, Culture Club
Boy George sums up the art of over-giving. We all have people in our lives who give their all. But to whom and for what purpose?
Why is over-giving a bad thing?
Without personal boundaries and self-management techniques, givers can end up in the territory of over-giving, which can result in feeling depleted rather than fulfilled. Constant over-giving, under-receiving and depletion leads to stress and exhaustion. But worse than that, it leads to poorer outcomes. A study by Adam Grant and Robert Keele, published in the Harvard Business Review looked at teachers who were generous with their time. Those who would “do anything for anyone” were at risk of burnout and their students achieved poorer results.
The propensity to give can also leave generous-hearted people at risk from life’s takers. Takers need givers. They will take everything a giver has to offer, then look for more. When takers take a mile, it can lead to destruction and devastation for givers, because givers will often get ill before they stop giving. Many people avoid listening to their inner voice. They would rather be a heat-seeking missile for their next big cause, than listen to the voice inside of them that whispers that they need to slow down, stop giving. Giving tirelessly, will be admired by others. No one will question it until burnout occurs.
Discerning worthy causes from bottomless pits is a skill worth developing, to prevent takers taking all.
Do I over-give at work?
Giving at work can mean giving time, ideas, knowledge, energy and commitment. These are the intangible qualities that employers want from employees. The more people love their work the more they give. Giving to our colleagues, managers or organisations, can meet our innate need to please others, and when work is compelling and absorbing it is easy to give more. This is no different for those who are self-employed. For artists, musicians and actors, the concept of retiring is often an alien concept.
Recent examples of selfless giving can be seen in health workers during the Covid crisis. There have been many most moving stories of dedicated health care workers who literally gave their all and their last to help others. Recent estimates put the number over three hundred. These include, Amged El-Hawrani, 55, described as a committed and compassionate doctor, who died in Leicester Royal Infirmary in March. More recently, we are hearing stories of carers and health care assistants who work in care homes becoming ill and dying.
And it’s not just health care professionals. Many of us know selfless teachers, class room assistants, janitors and office staff, who do countless hours of unpaid, extra-curricular work for school trips and who during Covid are teaching without PPE. Intellectually challenging work, in the science-lab or in the computer lab, will compel some professionals to dedicate enormous amounts of time to their work, whilst unwittingly neglecting other parts of their lives.
Is it selfless or selfish to work with dedication?
Selfish might be the verdict of the spouse of a Company Director who dedicates his time to building a technology company and attending international conferences but the Company Director might think differently; is he being selfless by sacrificing his family time to help the field of artificial intelligence and provide for his family’s material needs? Should the marriage disintegrate from resentment or should the career take a back seat out of guilt?
Why do I give so much?
We are socially conditioned to give. Politicians, philanthropists and preachers tells us that generosity is a virtue, and the sentiment is echoed by families and schools. Churchill stated, “We make a living by what we get and make a life by what we give.”. In his lifetime Andrew Carnegie gave away over $350 million and today the Gates are admired for giving away their wealth. Giving is a hallmark of many spiritual traditions. In Mark 12:43-44, Jesus urges his disciples to pay attention to the poor widow who gives her last penny and criticises those with much, who give little. The prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi teaches us that in giving we receive. The Qur’an reiterates this with, “Those who give out of their own possessions will have their reward with their Lord.” In Judaism, Tzedakah is considered an ethical obligation. Regardless of financial standing, giving to others is an important part of spiritual life. This might include having a charity box in the home and encouraging everyone to contribute to it. Buddhist devotees make offerings to the Lord Buddha. The Sanskrit and Pali word Dana connotes the virtue of generosity, charity and giving. Devotees of Buddhism leave lit candles, incense sticks and flowers at Buddhist temples Buddhism also has something to say about taking. One of the eight Buddhist precepts is “I will refrain from taking what is not given”.
In literature, generosity runs through Dicken’s work, but many’s favourite giving scene is when Hugo’s Bishop Monseigneur Bienvenu voluntarily gives Jean Valjean silver candlesticks when he catches Valjean stealing his other silverware in Les Miserables: “I gave you the candlesticks too, which are of silver like the rest, and for which you can certainly get two hundred francs. Why did you not carry them away with your forks and spoons?”
Why can’t I stop giving?
Giving creates endorphins and these feel good hormones work on physical body to make us feel good. That’s a reinforcement. Thinking that we are doing good and feeling good together creates neural pathways in our brains. This is how habits are created. Placing a high value on relationships and “being a helper” reinforces giving on a social level, further hard-wiring this into our personality. And as mentioned above, there are spiritual implications. So giving can become a hard habit to break because it touches multiple parts of the human psyche – cognitive, spiritual, relational and emotional systems. This is what makes it difficult to change. Why would we want to change something that everyone tells us is good for us?
Why should I stop over-giving?
Givers risk being victims, not only of takers, but of their own lack of self-awareness. This can be seen in romantic relationships, where one partner gives their all – and the other doesn’t want it. It is only when givers experience depletion, or worse, devastation that they start acknowledging that their strategy of over-giving is leaving them unfulfilled. Sometimes it will take an unsatisfactory experience or a broken relationship to reach rock bottom. It is at this point, that giving people are more open to change.
Ten tips for over-givers
One
Ask questions
The way to reduce habitual giving responses, is to become consciously aware of the nature of our giving. To do this, we can ask ourselves reflective questions, such as how we give, when we give, what we give and to whom we give. To whom would we not give? Why would we not give? By asking questions about giving, we can shift this from ‘something we have always done’ to making a conscious, intentional choice.
Two
Become more self-aware
In the book “Everything You Need You Have,” author Gerard Kite shares a pendulum analogy When the pendulum is settled at the centre, we are able to make purposeful choices in our lives. When the pendulum is swinging back and forth, our feelings can swing too. Giving may be one sway of the pendulum, whilst taking or receiving is at the other. The point of calm is at the centre. The vantage point of the pendulum, is at the top of the string, where everything is stable. From that position, we are able to detach from the magnetic forces in life and become observers of our own actions and emotions—we can see both sides of the swing and the sway, how we are getting our own needs met, or not.
Three
Look candidly at others
We can shift perspective by recognising people have different motives. This sounds easy, but many people, especially givers, struggle to see to faults in others, particularly those close to them. Givers can be blinded by their assumptions that everyone is like them and fail to recognise people who have no limits to taking, or worse, those with a sense of entitlement. Warnings from well-intentioned friends, suggesting that others may be “over-taking” often fall on deaf ears. (The spouse who doesn’t want to hear about the gambling addiction of their partner, or the parent who loves their heroin-addicted child, the demanding parent). Recognising that others may have no limit when it comes to taking, can be difficult, but it helps.
Four
Look candidly at yourself and your unmet needs
This means confronting the harsh reality that when things go wrong, you have in some way contributed to the situation. Accept responsibility for your actions and outcomes. Become aware of drivers, behaviours and needs which you may look to others to fulfil. This takes courage. Accepting that you may be giving to others, to fill an unmet need in yourself, can be difficult to accept. Acknowledging that you have not managed yourself well can also leave you feeling vulnerable. This can be challenging. It is a territory which is rarely explored and heavily defended.
Five
Care for yourself
Shift the focus from giving to other to giving to yourself. Give yourself the same level of consideration that you give other people. This will be a huge challenge for the selfless mothers, who give their all to their children. “I don’t need anything’ or ‘I’d rather they get what they want’ is a typical response. Giving to their children may be strongly connected to their life’s purpose. It is a difficult for selfless people to think about their own needs. Ask “How, and in what ways, can I give to myself?”. This might mean carving a bit of time for yourself. Self-care is a concept to be grappled with. It is not an easy and it takes time and practice.
Six
Set boundaries
Come up with a set of personal values, or principles that can serve the purpose of a boundary. Boundaries can help givers to manage themselves and put limits on their giving. Principles say “this matters to me and I shall use this principle to guide me.” recognise that you don’t want to be at the extremes or at the mercy of others. Guiding principles can be used to recognise when things are not in equilibrium and to consciously map out what good looks like and also map out the dangers of being in the extreme. It can help with decisions. If this principle is being fulfilled then I am happy to take that action. Or, if this principle is being violated in some way, I will slow-down or pull back on that course of action.
Seven
Use a traffic light system
Red is a universal sign of danger, and we know to stop. Amber is a warning to slow down. We can listen to our body and use the traffic lights as a mechanism to ensure that we are not driven to burnout. Sleeplessness, lacking energy might be a signal of an amber light before full-blown exhaustion forces us to stop.
Eight
Learn from experience
Consider when you have felt out of balance, when you have given too much and avoid repeating the same mistake. There may be different characters on the stage and the setting might have changed but the underlying patterns are the same.
Nine
Give time and energy to things you love
Find what you love and spend time doing it. Do something you enjoy, that you can get absorbed in. Mihaly Csikzentmighalyi, describes how getting absorbed in an activity that you love can lift the course of life to a different level. Alienation gives way to involvement, boredom gives way to enjoyment. This reinforces a sense of self and increases happiness.
Ten
Receive
John Amodeo is a Psychologist who has researched receiving. He suggests that not receiving is a defence against intimacy. By not receiving, you keep your heart defended. Lower your defences by recognising and asking for what you want. When you give, you are in control. When you relinquish control you are more open to receiving. We can be generous in receiving and whole-heartedly accept gifts, compliments, kind words, praise, attention or help.
